I doN't waNNa be...

My Mood:Me-inspired...
Music:I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin DeGraw

Ever since middle of last year...I realized alot...the most important of all,I realize I was not 'me'...I was someone else all this while...pretending and faking it...putting on a mask.I'm not who I want to be,not doing what I want to do...I'm so self-concious and all that...ugh..
There's this side in me that wants to be a journalist....but also a volunteer...I've also wanted to join Mercy Malaysia,...I want to make a difference..to help...I wanna be...well sorta like a 'punk-kid'...hehe...I loved dark eyeshadows,dark make-up basically...and anything black and white and dark red.I wanted to be happy with who I am...I wanted to be able to laugh at myself...I wanted to go into drama/theatre and so much more...but I let one thing stop me from all that...fear.Fear stopped me...I let it conquered me...A quote from A Cinderella Story movie, 'Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game' (A very good quote,I think everyone should know this and think about it..the quote is so true and right)...I feared of striking out...but then the more I think about it..I realize..everytime I push my fears aside...I achieve what I wanted to achieve.Like my major exams...UPSR(Std 6)..PMR(Form 3) and SPM(Form 5)...I was a scared kid...trust me.But when I pushed my fears aside and assured myself I would do great..I can do anything,why can't I have faith in myself for heaven's sake?So,I did.And I did do better than expected....I proved myself wrong,I proved everyone wrong.
I've always been a chicken when it comes to things...but when I was to be a prefect...I was like..uh...uh...but then I thought,hey this is what I wanna do,be a prefect to give my high school testimonial a little extra boost...so I put up a brave front...and..hey,by Form 5 I was a high-ranked senior(I do own bragging rights for my position...hehe..just joking..)Being a prefect helped me to gain a little more confidence..learn and experience new stuff...And in Form 4,I gathered all my bloody guts to tell the guy I like..I like him.Told him I did,but he was like...well,let's just say no reaction was given from him.I was crushed and torn...but when I look back,at least I told him.At least I was honest to myself.Of course I was dead embarrassed when everyone found out,but hey..criticize me all you like...rat on me...judge me...AT LEAST I TOLD HIM HOW I FEEL instead of keeping it inside and never knowing how he feels/thinks.I think I lose nothing there(well for a moment there during that time I did feel I loss my pride...) but I gained respect not just from my friends(my best friend was like..so what?you told him and that was amazing considering you're a girl and he's the guy...that was brave gurlllll...) but from my brother(who retorted..forget the guy,you're better off..)and also myself.I can't believe I did that either.Hehe...
So it's like...I can do anything and be anyone when I want to.Hell yeah.There's nothing that can stop me unless I allow it.Why in the world I've ever let 'fear' into my vocab in the first place in everything I'm about to do/say??...I'm me...I don't need to follow any rules to be me...I just wanna be me...and me is the girl with dreams and aspirations..ready to take them on...
So like Gavin puts it...
"I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.
I’m tired of looking ‘round rooms wondering what I gotta do,
Or who I’m supposed to be.
I don’t want to be anything other than me"
So,I wanna be me...not gonna let people stomp all over me like I always let them do,I'm not gonna let fear control me...I'm gonna live my life..laugh at myself...take the reins of my life...do what I want..be who I want...just me...Me...M-E....I'm sick and tired of faking it...I don't wanna be a liar/imposter...no way.Btw,check out this song by Gavin..'I Don't Wanna Be'..it's cool and inspirational...and it's also the wonderful soundtrack for the wonderful One Tree Hill...hehe..promoting my favorites...Neways,that's it..blogging off now...