fiNally...LettiNg Go...

"What did I say...what did you do? How did I fall in love with you?"

It feels good to finally able to let go. You just feel more relaxed and easy..and it just feels...perfectly normal again. I like the feeling. Okay so I sound pretty weird right here..lol.

Yesterday, when I finally gotten around to reading Parfait Tic Volume 13, chapter 1-3...I, well, I cried again. Bucket-load in fact. I used to love Ichi and Fuuko together. But then when Ichi broke Fuuko's heart, Daiya came to her and was beside her the whole time. He was there to catch her tears, to make her smile. The one thing that really caught me was when he told her he was never going to make her cry, or rather, let her cry. So, I thought, maybe Fuuko is meant to be with Daiya. She actually liked him at first, and he rejected her unfortunately cause he didn't understand the feeling of love, and now she likes Ichi but Ichi breaks her heart and Daiya's feelings for Fuuko changes...and...yeah, a truly complicated love triangle. I'm babbling...I know. Hehe. Okay, so all in all...I just plainly want to see Fuuko to be with Daiya in the end.

How in the world is this connected to me? Well, last night was the night I really cried my heart out after all these years. When I cried last night, after reading Parfait Tic, I was wondering why do I keep crying over a manga??? It sounds insane, I know. That's when it hit me, it's because I've felt or rather, I am feeling what Daiya/Fuuko/Ichi felt. The feelings of hurt, pain, anger, jealousy...the sense of betrayal and rejection...The endless tears that came from my eyes. I was lying all the while, to myself included...I've moved on but I never let go. I missed those times I shared with Joseph...his stupid jokes...his smile, his voice. Unfortunately, the good memories are really rare, what I have the most is the bad memories. The times I felt insanely jealous, hurt...angry..the times when I kept crying, I kept hiding and avoiding him. And when it came to JS, though there were times that really made me laugh at my own silly antics...but there were times that really hurt me badly. I am a girl after all, so to be somewhat 'rejected' and 'partly-betrayed by a "friend" ', it's not an easy thing. I found out that 'friends' who I thought were my 'friends' actually were the ones who spreaded what I had confided in them. It kinda doubled whatever the hurt/pain I was feeling.

So, when Daiya felt jealous that Fuuko knows Ichi's favorite color, it made me cry cause I've been through that too. I felt jealous when I knew my friend was closer to Joseph. When Fuuko kept crying over Ichi, I knew that was kinda like me too. When Fuuko decided to turn away from Ichi, I cried cause that was what I did. When Daiya felt hurt when he saw Fuuko cry, that was how I felt when I saw...well...the guy cry.So, all in all...I cried not just because of the story, but because it reminded me of myself. I guess my friend was right when she said she found Fuuko to be somewhat like me. So last night, I kept crying until I couldn't cry anymore...and decided that's the last time I'm going to cry tears of sadness. It's pretty ironic that Daiya's words to Fuuko kinda applied to me...'Stop chasing...after pieces of him'.

It all comes down to the fact that I moved on but I didn't let go. So....moral of the story...letting go is always the best thing to do. I thought I was gonna cry as I type this, but, I'm actually smiling. And that's a good thing...cause that means I've really let go. I'm free of memories that used to haunt me...that made me cry...maybe I'm just not cut it for matters of 'love'. Maybe I'm not meant for it yet...maybe I'm just too weak for it. So for now, I'm going to be free and stop chasing after the broken pieces. Hehe...

-To Let Go-

To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore,
It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret.
Letting go isn't winning and it isn't losing.
It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear,
And it's not obssesing or dwelling on the past.
Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts,
And doesn't leave emptiness, hurt or sadness.
It's not about giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn't about loss, and it's not defeat.

To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and to move on.
It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.
Letting go is accepting,
It is learning and experiencing and growing.
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow.
It's all about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.
Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.
Letting go is growing up.
It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door, clear a path and to set yourself free.

....Tiffany Appleton...