grades....grades....grades

I care about my grades. A lot. Maybe it may not seem so evident at times, but I do. I've been intent on keeping my near-perfect grades and maintaining my CGPA above 3.6. I have no intention to let it drop any lower. Ever since the beginning of my diploma I've set my sights on graduating with a set of good grades and making it at least a 3.67 CGPA.

And now, one of the subjects that I've absolutely no idea would be the one to bring me down, is well, bringing me down. I am on the verge of failing for the damned subject! And of all subjects, it's Moral Education! Moral Education, one that I never had thought would give the depressed feeling that I'm feeling now. After a rough estimate, I need to get a 39/40 for my finals if I want to get an A-. That's an A- only. A is unreachable. So the pressure is absolutely high on myself right now and I feel absolutely in the pits.

My lowest grade ever during this 2 1/2 years was a B- for my bloody Feature Writing. Other than that, it has always been A, A- and a B+, perfectly maintaining my GPA, until that bloody B- came along. But, I managed to pull that up with my other subjects which wasn't that bad. This semester however, I only have three subjects, one being the Project (which is not a subject actually, but a graduation requirement), Intro to Econs as well as Moral Education. I've secured an A in Project (which I think it was a lucky fluke for me), Econs...well, I'm not doing that bad so I think I will manage, but Moral...? Good grief, I'm seriously upset over that bloody grade. I got a 5/15 for my presentation. Not a laughing matter. I can't believe my eyes when I saw it, was I that bad?? I really didn't think so.

There's no way to make it up with and extra credit work either. Just this alone has ruined my afternoon and dragged it on till evening.

Maybe it's my fault for taking Moral so lightly.

Right now, I don't know if I should study, study, study like some insane kid, or try to calm myself down first and get my mind cleared up. I've never been this affected with my grades before, exception for Feature Writing but it wasn't as bad as this either. I know it might sound a lil crazy to be this upset over a single grade for a subject, but it means alot to me. Really alot. I crave to be one of the best, to be looked up to, to be admired, well, when it comes to academic-wise anyway. Back in high school I didn't give out much of that vibe cause I was too playful. But deep down, ever since I started primary school and got the highest in class at standard 1 for most subjects, I thrive on that feeling of being the best. But when I came to high school, my priorities dropped, I only gave that vibe when it came to English. I was extremely competitive in English and wanted to come out top. I even found my own best friends as challengers when it came to English. For SPM GCE English, I was determined to do well in it and at the results, I took pride in being the only student to get an A.

Guess one could say I'm a lil greedy when it comes to my grades for certain subjects. It's like when I got 14/15 for my Communication Research Methods research project, our group was the only one to get such high marks. For that subject, if I'm not mistaken, two other friends of mine and I got an A, the only ones who got an A for that subject in my lecturer's teaching period of a few years. And that made me feel darn good. I thrive on that feeling, it's a little euphoria.

No wonder I'm so addicted to Shinhwa's 위하여 (Cheers!). It's all about striving for the best, being greedy to be the best, and to get what you are determine for. Greed that is turned into determination to achieve the things you want to achieve and living life to the fullest that you can. In their case, it's this that made them who they are right now, pushing themselves to the very best and withstanding everything to make it to the top. No wonder I admire them so much...lol.

Well, at least now that my mind is on Shinhwa and not the low grade, I think I'll head off to wallow a bit and leave this whole study thing for a while.