Finally completed my mid-sems. Only two papers, yes, but it reeked. Here I thought semester 7 was going to be easy on me and it would be peanuts to get through it. Well I am wrong. Moral Education proved tougher than expected while Econs took my brains and twisted it till its very last juice dripped.
I admit I slacked off in Moral, I could have answered better if I actually read and memorized a few stuff here and there and not pass if off as some measly exam paper. But for Econs, there's nothing to say for that. It's twisted! Mean exam. Tha questions were darn tricky and one answer sounded like the other and to make things worse they all sound really, bloody close. So it's no surprise to say that I might have screwed up my mid sems, maybe not that bad, but bad enough.
During my left-over time yesterday from the moral exam, where I had lost all hope of crapping and decided to put an ice on it by just closing my paper and not look at it anymore,
my mind drifted to someone. Someone from my past and the awful thing is, it's a 5 year ago past, almost 6 years actually. I started thinking about this guy whom I've hurt badly and the stupid mistake I've made. I'm well aware that my blog readership is unpredictable and this might reach his ears, but I really don't care. It's my blog anyway, not his or anyone else for that matter.
We met through our mutual best friend. My best friend told him all about me, about our crazy conversations on the phone, etc ( I presume that's what he told considering the only times me and my best friend interact alot is on the phone, cause he is after all, a guy and me a girl with both of us from two different peer groups, that's how we communicated). So the guy got interested in knowing me, for hell I know what reason, and being the goofy, barely 13 year old I was, I decided there was no harm in knowing him either. My best friend became the middle person and sort of set us up.
Honestly I have no idea why did I went along with it in the first place considering it wasn't going to be a mere friendship thing as my friends warned me there would be something more than just that. They said there's no way a guy would just want to meet and know a girl, just to be friends. I didn't think so. And, I was really into my senior whom I was all crushed-out on and was and still is convinced, the first guy that I ever felt a real true liking to, not just a mere puppy love. So we met, in the most shy way possible, which is writing notes and finally him calling me to talk on the phone.
After a few short conversations, seriously short, feelings kinda started to grew. But to make things difficult, he actually had someone else he liked, just like me, but still it didn't put a stop to the little blooming crush. Ugh. I swear if I look back on this I will roll my eyes. So then later he decided, forget the other girl, the one he liked was me. I was happy of course, considering we barely knew each other and not for very long either, but he chose me. That decision of his however was not exactly supported by his classmates, whom I refuse to be specific about, but boy did they hate me. But we didn't get together, at least not yet anyway.
Since it was the end of our schooling year, classes were basically neglected as teachers were slacking off, lol. My favorite spot would be at the end of the corridor as my class then was the last class on the 3rd floor. It was nice and windy. So one day, I took the mistake of going out there without my friends just to think over some stuff. He was supposed to come over to my class but he didn't (I think the reason he gave was that he was busy with his class stuff and his teacher was being a total slave-driver by asking him to do this and that). My friends, whom I am wondering if they had tried to set me up, sent one of this guy over to talk to me, who coincidentally is a friend of the guy. So to sum it up, he came out to talk to me and we throughly enjoyed talking to each other for a long time until break came, and out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of someone very familiar, storming out of my class. Only then did it hit me, it was him, the one who like me. Well, a total sudden bizzaro situation happened and it was suddenly out that the guy who came to talk to me, Bri, liked me and I ditched the other guy for Bri. In my mind I could only think, what the hell???
The guy got hurt and thought I had lied and cheated (but it wasn't cheating, I wasn't even his girlfriend!). So at the last day of school, seeing the hurt look on his face I realized that I do care for him alot. I called him and asked him to explain it all out and to let him know that if he wanted, I could just forget everything about Bri since he and I wasn't actually a couple anyway and I could tell Bri I'm sorry but it was all just a mixed up. He was busy when I called and said he would call back. It was pretty late when he finally called, I thought he wouldn't call anymore, somehow a part of me wish he didn't call back. We talked things over and he told me he did like me and stuff like that. So we got together tentatively, without officially saying we're boyfriend-girlfriend or anything like that.
All this while I actually still liked my senior (whom of course, like all junior-likes-senior-story, doesn't know about my feelings for him and barely even know who I was). So when a week of phone calls passed, something clicked in my head and it didn't felt right to like this guy when I actually liked someone else. So I sent him an awful email and just called to ask him check his email before quickly hanging up. The school holidays went by in silence, and when school restarted, he kinda changed and I felt bad, really bad. It was stupid, cause truthfully I did like him but I was feeling guilty that I liked my senior then and just wanted to be fair towards him. I regretted telling him to 'go away' and wrote letters to explain myself and asked if there was another chance. I wished he said yes, or rather, I wish he had tried to fight back for me when I sent that email. Nope, it was too late.
And until today it still haunts me. I really wish I didn't let him go. I really wish he fought to stay in my heart, or something. He was the closest to the 'boyfriend' definition and I guess that's why it bugs me so much about losing him. I pushed him out of my life in a very badly made decision. And for that, I reek. There's no intention of opening up this old wounds, but it's just something I know I have to get it out and let it leave me, and where else, but my blog. I'm just so sorry about what I did and not just sorry towards him but towards myself too. I really reek.
My mind thought of what could have happened if the whole email thing didn't happen, maybe he and I could have still been together. Or maybe we might not. But maybe we would, maybe things would have turned out so different. All that 'what-ifs' played in my mind. But the past, remains in the past and there's nothing to change that. I am just sorry that I let it by me.
Though I know he has already moved on and is happy with his girlfriend (whom I think is a better girlfriend than I probably could ever be), I'm still staying a little in the past. I wish to erase those memories, not just for me, but for him as well, cause I know I had really hurt him then.
And I still reek cause as I thought back on my previous 'love-encounters', I pushed almost all of them away. I didn't let them stay. Sure, I'd have a little feelings for them but once I know they have feelings for me too, I would push them out and shut them out from my life. It sounds so bloody horrible and mean of me, I know, that's why I say, I reek. I've got to be one of the most awful person when it comes to love, if I'm not already the most awful person alive. I guess I deserve to not have anyone right now cause of what I did. Hey, karma right?
Well, bottomline, I reek. I'm awful and horrible when it comes to matter of the heart and for that you can stamped a big fat red 'GUILTY' on my forehead. And with all these thoughts out, I hope I can just let it all be and put them away.
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