mental-state

After what seemed like half a year, I finally fell back into my dark state of depression. Nothing made sense to me and I was mentally abusing myself with all kinds of harsh insults I could hurl myself with. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I stared blankly at a corner of my room, wishing I could just dissapear from the face of earth. I didn't want to reach out to anyone. I wanted to revert back to the time where I had the method of releasing my pain by connecting my right hand to the wall, slamming it sideways profusely. Instantly creating a bruise on my wrist, numbness on the fingers and inability to feel and/or move my hand for at least half an hour or so. I couldn't bring myself to do that however, for reasons unknown to myself.

Yesterday night or rather the early morning of today, was the toughest fight I ever had with my depression. My mind ran wild with all sorts of stuff and it was maddening. I couldn't calm myself down, even when I tried to remind myself that I am not alone and there are people who love me for all that I am. Nothing really worked. I ended up being slightly delusional I guess, with all the crazy self-talk. I compared things and made ridiculous analogies. Honestly, it's the first time I got into such a mental state.

I don't know what led to it, but I know that whatever it was, it kept buliding up and haunting me, until I finally gave in to it.

“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul,” he quoted Earnest Henley. Lucas shrugged his shoulders, “I believe that we are responsible for our own destinies – that if we want things to happen then we should do everything we can to make it happen,” -- quoted from a fanfic I once read at FF.net by bluebird24. I guess I failed to do the aforementioned. I let go all self-responsibilty and allowed myself to fall. No one to blame, but me.

However, as depressing all this sounds, something good did came out of it. I learnt a lil more about myself and figured out what I was running away from all this while. I'm no longer 1, 3, not 8 anymore, not 14 or 16. Not 18 either. I'm going to be 19. 19. What things were then, are different from things now. Who I was then, may not be who I am now. Everything changes, be it little or lot. I needed to understand that I cannot keep wishing for the past or hope for it to come back. I may not like who I was then, what I did then, and I can't change that, but I can change my future and the present. I spent a few minutes staring at myself in the mirror. Staring long and hard at the full-length mirror. I never really liked what I saw in the mirror, but I now know that I need to. I need to like what I see, or I would never ever make it.

My search for something, whatever it is, is not complete. Lately, I've been sleeping later than usual and spend my time lying down on my bed, staring at the bright full moon in the midst of all the darkness. I've never gotten to see a night sky filled with glittering little stars yet, blanketing the sky with all its little glow. I'm hoping to see it someday. People say, aim for the moon cause if you fail you'll land within the stars. As for me, I'm first seeking for the stars, aiming for it and with much hope, to make my way through the stars until I reach the moon.

So when I finally cried, it was a huge relief. Something broke inside of me and it was a release and freedom that I needed.

Realizations are like a double-edged sword. In a way it’s great to finally be in the light and know where you are but in another way now you have this new reality to deal with. -- another favorite quote from a fanfic at FF.net, 'At The End Of The Day'.

I'm fine now, though I'm still bruised from my own mental abuse, but I will be fine. I just know.

It's no lie when people say, that when you're uspet, you should find something that could make you smile again and laugh, basically to be happy again. Since it was late after my bout of depression, I couldn't actually blast my favorite music or eat chocolates as there's still NO availability of chocolates in my house, or cook my favorite supper, or to dance and jump around until I fall down. No one to talked to either, so I decided to watch a couple of random english-subbed clips I downloaded the day before. A smile soon cracked, before a grin followed and a small laughter. Granted, I was feeling a little more light-hearted though not as much as I wished. All thanks to a six member group. Not Shinhwa though, I've been straying away from that territory for the past few days.

It's actually another six member group, this time, from the world of J-pop, namely KAT-TUN. I'm well aware that I initially only had sole interest in Kame (Kamenashi Kazuya) but somehow the other 5 just started to grow on me and having the tracks from their brand new, long-awaited (by thousands of J-pop fans) CD does help in the whole new favorite. Especially since they exude coolness, goofiness and intense hotness. Note that to be in my definition and list of hotness, the guy actually has to not only have a heart-melting smile, soul-piercing eyes, ruffled messed-up hair but a well-toned body as well. This time, I'm adding to the list with addictive lips and illegally-hot hips. Why so? Akanishi Jin and the gang, along with Kame, somehow made that a must. To be honest, when I first saw Kame with his ero-ero dance at a concert of theirs(an honest mistake I swear!), I felt myself going short of breath, my heart skipping a million extra beats than the usual. In case anyone's wondering, what the hell is 'ero-ero'...well, it means erotic dance as in gyrating hips with really sexual moves.

I swear, it was a total honest-curious mistake made on my account. I just happened to be curious and clicked on the youtube link for Kame and that loaded. At first I was scarred, honestly scarred whereby by my innoncence of 18+ years was ripped without warning, by the sight of Kame stripping his jacket, un-buttoning his white shirt all the way, pulling his belt off thus loosening his jeans and revealing the band of his boxers, and proceeding with his 'dance'. Tell me, honestly, how can any girl not be awestruck at that sight and feeling like she's been hit by a two by four plank? I may be as innocent as one perceives me to be, but after seeing Kame, forget it. They say you learn something every day, well I sure did that very day. I'm not going to lie and say the clip of him dancing was not, well, hot. After watching their 'Real Face' PV, I realized that not only Kame can do that, but so can the rest and Akanishi is a killer when he dances and gives the bloody seductive lip touching. To top it all off,the six exudes the perfect boys-love sometimes, as in shounen-ai. Being a fan of shounen-ai, that just adds the bitterness to a dark chocolate (lack of better metaphors and anyway, I love dark chocolates!)

So...just to cheer myself up and to spam my own blog, while creating another weird memory for me to look back on, introducing...the six guys of KAT-TUN, consisting of Kamenashi Kazuya, Akanishi Jin, Taguchi Junnosuke, Tanaka Koki, Ueda Tatsuya, Nakamaru Yuichi. One of JE's (Johnny's Entertainment) popular male-idol group.


2003, at the age of 17-20. First impression, cute.
(Jin, Kame, Ueda, Maru, Koki and Junno)















2005, at the age of 19-22. The beginning of their illegal hotness. Seriously, they should be made illegal for all that's to come from them. Note how much they've changed, especially Kame and Jin. I can't believe how cute they were then and how 'hot' they are now.

A short spamming of my favorite guy, Kame. I just love the way he looks like he had just woke up from bed and was dragged to the photoshoot without running so much of a brush through his hair.


















Since I'm momentarily interested in Jin as well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to spam with his pic.

















Jin is the definition of hot-ness.

The next few images are absolutely not for those who's got something against shounen-ai, or simply cannot stand the sight, or even the thought, of boys-love. Even though it's nothing serious, just affectionate gestures between two guys...seriously, I'm not joking. These guys are cute and I love them to hell, but if you can't keep the open mind then do skip the rest of the pics.




Jin and Maru











Kame(theover-affectionate guy), Maru and Junno



Maru and Kame yet again, the guy being so affectionate.

























Jin and Kame. To which is everyone's favorite, even nicknamed Akame by the fans. A play on their names Akanishi and Kamenashi.














Jin and Kame, from one of their photoshoots.

I just love these two. Close friends (to which unfortunately they fell out a little last year, but hopefully it seems to be getting better now).

















My longest post ever, and the most time-consuming one. But I think it's worth it. I released all traces of my depression and somehow feel much more better. Besides, this whole post on the guys might be worth it. I refuse to only be part of the fangirl-dom when the hype reaches M'sian shores, call it the rebel side of me. I just don't want to fancy something or someone when everyone else fancies it all at the SAME time. Don't see the uniqueness there. It's like when the hype on Korean drama finally caught on in M'sia, or the time period where everyone HAS Friendster. Even until now, I still refuse to have a Friendster account, no matter how much my friends bugged me to. I have a feeling that after TVXQ's concert in M'sia, loads of girls will be warmed up to the Korean music scene and start getting more hyped about them. The guys are riding on a high now in Japan, U.S...it won't be long before their influences spreads across Asia as well.

I'm absolutely addicted to their song 'Real Face' and 'Gold', --'All or nothing, now or never, We can make it happen, We can make it all right, Time is coming, Everlasting, Don't you wanna see it when we make it worldwide.'-- But the favorite has got to be 'Kizuna', by Kame to Jin.

Alright, I'm done. Enough madness for one blog-post.

Credits for images: boys_paper@LJ, Johnny's Entertainment